4th Anniversary

Time passes so quickly, I feel like just yesterday we were having dinner on our 3rd anniversary. Too much has happened in a year and it has by far been the hardest year. It feels good to finally be in a good place. I almost hate the saying "trust the process," but sometimes it's all you can do. Communication is good, schedules are good, money is good. We're having a good time and know we want this life together. 

I got Jose a few random gifts and have turned him on to expensive underwear. I picked them because I thought his butt would look good in some fun prints, but it turns out he likes how they feel and wants to buy more. 

We had dinner and drinks at Olive Garden. All we have are Snapchats, no good pics. I usually take a couples picture each year so we can look back on each year, we forgot to do it the day of so we did it the next day while we were at home relaxing. It's not cute, but it's real. 

As we were stopped to turn right out of Olive Garden's parking lot a guy pulled in and I could see him looking over his shoulder the whole time he was turning, he hit into our truck. It was more inconveinent than anything. All persons are fine, the truck will need some work. 

After September passes I'll be ready for year 5. Hopefully it involves some baby making, a new vehicle, and plenty of adventure. 

MLK Weekend in Vegas

Martin Luther King Jr. Day meant a three day weekend and we were ready to get away. I wanted somewhere warm and Jose just needed to get out of the house, since he's been cooped up all winter. 

We decided on Las Vegas.  As much as I dislike Vegas I was excited about being warm and getting away. I also wanted to check out the Burlesque Hall of Fame after hearing about it from Melody Sweets from Absinthe. 

The drive was nice, I love seeing the red rock in Southern Utah. We got an early start to Vegas, arriving around 8:00 AM. We couldn't check into our room until noon so we played slots and had a bloody mary or two. I was on an empty stomach and feeling good. We wander to eat some really good sopes at Tacos El Gordo, then back to the bar. We did our usual drinking and meeting new people at the bar. Time flew by and before we knew it we'd been imbibing for 12 hours. 

We went to the China town area for sushi and I got an amazing massage. We went to Mystére, which was pretty cool, but expensive since we didn't make it to the buy one get one half off ticket sales place. 

The main reason I hate Vegas is because the drunkenness always turns into drama. I got out of hand and we're still slowly recovering a week later. We got a chance to do some fun things and I got to feel the sun, but Vegas and I  just don't mix. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 3

It feels like we got to our breaking point and got serious about respecting each other because we love each other and want to make it work. We've been doing good for the past few weeks, more effort and more happiness. We agreed that it wouldn't hurt to get additional help. I believe it's really important to address mental health issues and quit seeing it as taboo, so we scheduled a counseling session through my work's employee assistance program. I was really nervous, but appreciative of my husband's willingness to go. 

Our session with Rich went well. He brought up that life is a process and that many times when couples keep bumping into a brick wall they don't realize that together they can get around it, instead, out of frustration they think it's easier to split. We're at a brick wall and ready to get onto the next step in our process together. 

He acknowledged that we're young and should be enjoying our free time before children. That's a hot topic because my husband wants to start a family. We've had serious talks about it, and in May I decided I would go along with whatever happened, but I wasn't whole heartily ready. I've made many excuses like after I get my bachelors degree, after I find a job, after I get my masters degree. I love kids and have spent a lot of time learning about pregnancy, natural birth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, all of that, but I'm scared to make that leap and get pregnant. The counselor wanted to know why and in my rant of trying to justify my reasons of being scared of changing and taking on the responsibility it came out clearly that I don't think I'll be a good enough parent. 

Rich suggested that I really focus on working on my insecurities, rewriting the scripts in my head. I need to stop assuming the worst by reframing my thoughts. Is there an answer of why people end up this way? Was I taught to think bad about myself? He made a good point, I would never treat anyone they way I treat myself because it would be considered abuse. Now it's up to me to be conscious and work on overcoming my weaknesses. We have a 2nd session scheduled in December. I like how he straight up said it's not my husband's job to make me feel less insecure, he has his part to play in supporting me, but it needs to be something I fix. I don't exactly know how to stop being insecure or negative other than paying attention to my self-talk and changing it. I'm open to suggestions and additional readings. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 2

The last night of the 8-week Conflict Resolution and Negotiation classed ended with us all going around talking about our experience and what direction we wanted to take with what we learned. I was surprised and happy for many of my classmates' progress. It was helpful to hear everyone's journey and I love that in the past two years we've all  grown comfortable enough with each other to be vulnerable. One of the most important things I'm learning is that I'm not alone, even if my inner critic makes me feel like I am. 

By the end of the class I felt like my husband and I did a great job discussing our needs, but we were stuck in limbo of how to step up and meet them, because they seemed to conflict with each other. I wanted more quality time, to get off the couch and away from the screen. He wanted to be more social and go out with the guys. I tried to see him going out with friends as a better option than being a coach potato. I was really hung up on how he wasn't meeting my needs fast enough that I had to rein myself in and stop assuming he wasn't going to meet them. 

I'm very pessimistic and often times assume the worst. I have these negative scripts about myself running through my head that need to be stopped. Every time my husband goes out with his friends I assume the worst. Again, I had to stop and think about what I was really feeling. I have irrational thoughts that my husband would rather go out with other people because I'm not fun enough. 

I started looking into Brene Brown's work about how many of us don't think we're worthy of love. We think we'll be worthy when we're skinny enough, complete our degrees, or get a promotion. That's me, I never feel good enough. I am always aiming for better, I demand a lot from myself. There's nothing wrong with having dreams, but I think I'm so worried about checking things off my list that I don't stop and enjoy where I'm at. 

I've been really anxious about social situations lately. We run into conflict when I want to go out, just the two of us, and he wants to invite friends. Again my scripts started running that I'm not fun enough, he has to invite other people. I'm not afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone so one night I decided I'd go with it. A lot of friends met us at a bar to watch a UFC fight. I decide not to drink because I needed a clear head. I made it through the evening with a bunch of drunks. I got annoyed several times, but my intentions were to give my husband the night he wanted, free from judgment. I did it, I didn't like it. Getting drunk and acting a fool is not my idea of fun. I feel like I did what I could to meet his need to be social, while kind of meeting my need to spend time with him. It wasn't ideal, but it was another step in the process. 

I've started really hating these new friends my husband has, who are out at bars attracting girls' attention and pulling him away from me. It started getting so bad in those two months that we spent several weekends apart and had some serious talks about our marriage. It seemed that we both wanted different things and maybe we weren't going to find those things together. Which was heartbreaking. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 1

These last two months have been mental torture for me. I can't think of any other time in my life where I've felt so sad, so alone or so lost. I've had to pull out tools to stabilize my life. Things like daily journaling, reading, exercise, acupuncture, music, affirmations, counseling, support from friends, and even turning to a higher power.

I've pinpointed that the process started in October during my Conflict Resolution and Negotiation Class. My cohort went in there expecting to learn about dealing with conflict in the work place. BAM! Little did we know we would be working from the ground up and learning how we personally deal with conflict. Learning about ourselves and how to handle conflict with those we care about most was the best place to start. 

Despite its negative connotation, conflict doesn't equate to bad. Conflict means that you care enough to confront what is going on. We started out by digging into the past and writing about our earliest memories of conflict. I identified that conflict for me is like a grenade, I build it up, then pull the pin, resulting in a feeling that I need to run before my surroundings blow up. We also had to interview several people about how it is to communicate with us. I asked my mom, husband, and office mate. To summarize, they said I'm very direct, to the point, raise my voice when I'm passionately speaking, and often times dismiss others' views if they don't match up with my own. I don't disagree. 

The first night of class we were introduced to the idea that many of us have a hard time identifying and sharing what is really bothering us; being vulnerable. We use superficial things in an argument to mask our feelings. This video is an example of what we were discussing. My professor's example was much better, and we'll never think of a pie in the same way again. Our homework was to think about what was really bothering us. I had a great example come up. I had been sick for days and just wanted my husband to comfort me and take care of me. I got upset and started going off about how he is always playing video games and doesn't' help me. I had to go into the other room, force myself to think about what was really bothering me, then go back and talk to him. I didn't want to continue on with him thinking I was really mad about the video games, when my real needs were that I needed to feel  like I was a priority and loved. 

This was new for us and didn't go as smoothly as I imagined. I didn't seem like we made any progress, but little did I know it was all part of a greater process.  I had no idea why I was so tired and drained after talking, but I soon discovered it's called a vulnerability hangover.  Something interesting my professor pointed out; although I'm direct in stating my needs, I often run before giving anyone the chance to meet those needs. I thought it was great observation and I completely agree that I doubt people pretty early on of being capable of meeting my needs. I like to do things myself and I set really high standards. 

That was the first notable step in this process, I'll be writing several more posts about what unfolded. Like I said, I never expected it to take so long and go full blown, but I feel good about what is happening and if this first step never took place I wouldn't be on my way to a better life. 

My professor has a blog called Canffirmations that has some really great posts if you're interested in reading. 

Acupuncture

Lately I've been feeling like something is seriously wrong inside my head. I question if I've made the right decisions in life and if I should keep following this same path or make a major plot shift. I've been pretty stressed and full of anxiety. I contemplated medication, because I can't handle these irrational thoughts and elevated heart rate. My body is crying out that it's stressed through a very tense shoulder, a cold sore and a period that has lasted almost 2 weeks. Some hours I'm calm, some I'm numb, and others I'm on fire, lashing out. I don't want to be around people, social situations make me really anxious right now. 

I've always wanted to try acupuncture, but never needed fixing, until now. There's an acupuncturist right across from my work. I wandered over there to set up an appointment. I met the doctor and really liked her. She was a former health educator so we connected on that level. Chinese medicine is totally different than western medical beliefs so it takes openness to try a new approach to healing the whole body. I had my assessment and I'm being treated for allergies, shoulder tension and my emotional distress. She let me vent and I let her do her thing. I'm not sure if it was having someone to talk to, the acupuncture itself or just all in my head, but I left her office feeling so relaxed and I couldn't stop smiling. 

She wants to see me for a few more sessions. My insurance doesn't cover it, so it'll be an out of pocket expense, but it's something I want to try. Has anyone tried acupuncture? Share your experience with me. 

Where Have I Been?

I've been out losing mind, for the following reasons:

Conflict Resolution and Negotiation class

Vulnerability

Not feeling worthy of love

Marriage

Trusting the process

Friend's death

Suicidal thoughts from someone dear to me

If you want to rock your thoughts  go ahead and explore Brené Brown's work. 

I hope I'm Where I'm Supposed To Be or heading in the right direction. 

3rd Anniversary

My husband and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary. I'm not the type of person to pour out mushy stuff all over social media, but I'll get a little more sentimental here. I wasn't very emotionally stable since my friend had just passed away, but I knew I wanted to go home and dedicate the evening to celebrating our marriage. To me it was the perfect evening, we took a nap, then got dressed up for dinner. I'm not going to lie, it was hard not to be sad, but I also couldn't help but feel lucky to have my husband. We had a lot to reflect back on this year, mostly good things. We had an amazing vacation, started new jobs, and found a hobby we both like. I'm most appreciative that he let's me live an independent lifestyle, where I can go to school and do my own hobbies. This year I really want to dedicate our efforts to becoming better communicators. My masters program has given me refreshing ideas of what it means to communicate effectively and I want that for us. 

A little something I want to remember is how we often banter back and forth about whether we're soulmates or not. I found this meme that made me laugh because as much as I don't want to believe in soulmates this is so how I feel realizing that indeed we are soulmates whether I like it or not. We were meant to find each other because I need someone to keep me lively and crazy. 

March Mantra

(Made with S Note)

I realize we're already halfway through March, but I wanted to throw this out there. I've taken on a lot this semester and in order to balance it all I'm going to have to be selfish and do what works for me. I won't go into anymore detail because this will end up being a bitching post and you don't need that. 

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Husband's In Need of Some Space

I'm starting to get the feeling I've been left. In my last post I mentioned how my husband rode his motorcycle to California. The day he was packing I was joking around with him that he was leaving because he's had enough of me.
Something just feels wrong. I had lunch with my friend Ashley on Thursday for a good three hours of chit chat and sushi. He called at least 10 times. I had my phone tucked away in my purse because I think it's rude to be on the phone when someone is deep in conversation with you. I called him back, just to get hung up on after I explained why I didn't answer. Since then he won't talk to me. It's really unlike him. I feel like the tables have turned because it's usually me that gets mad and takes some space. 
I can't stop thinking about him and trying to figure out what I did, but if he's not going to be courteous enough to tell me I'll just stop bugging him until he's ready. I have a few ideas of why he's having this "breakdown," I just wish we weren't so far apart so I could talk to him and reassure him that life is tough, but it'll be okay.