Let the Holiday Drama Begin & End Quickly

I've been going to this postpartum support group, which I don't think is the right fit for me. I like hanging out with the ladies, but my time would be better spent at home with my family. I don't feel like I'm suffering from anything postpartum. I went because I thought maybe I would need to cope with my c-section and returning back to work, but I am doing fine with both of those things.

At last night's meeting we went over ways to cope during the holidays. Good thing because the drama has already begun. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how everyone feels so comfortable talking to my mom and how she's so nice to everyone, but when it comes to her kids she is a very manipulative communicator and doesn't respect when you ask her to keep things private. 

In November I decided that I wouldn't be going to my parents' house for Christmas because Jose isn't allowed to come. I wrote myself a note in my phone with my reasoning because I knew eventually I'd have to tell my mom and the guilt would kill me. I was hoping that somehow I'd be able to last minute tell her, "sorry, can't make it," but of course she plans things in advance and I didn't want to leave her hanging if she asked me to bring something. 

This morning she sent out a group message on Facebook asking who would like to participate in a gift exchange on Christmas morning. I wrote her in a separate message saying, "count me out." I have a new baby and a new little family that I want to nourish and grow. I let her know that we wouldn't be coming on Christmas morning because I want to start my own traditions with my family and splitting us up is not a tradition I want for my son. I can just imagine how fucked up it would be to take my son and leave my husband alone on Christmas. I've chosen my family over him too many times and I won't do it anymore. It's not nice, it's not fair. 

I had a moment of hope that she'd understand, but of course not. She wrote me back several nasty messages, like always, saying she's done the best she can and it's not ever good enough and that she'll be out of my life forever and wants nothing to do with us. She lays on the guilt really heavy. Then she sent a group message out with capital letters saying that all Christmas plans are canceled. 

I didn't even reply back because I'm not having a keyboard war with her. I stand firm with my decision. I was thinking today how uncomfortable Christmas was last year and I don't need to feel that again. People don't realize that you're not the same person you were yesterday or one or two years ago. I'm a different, better person and this is my life. I don't want to spend it doing things out of obligation or guilt. 

Dancing

Laughter, song, and dance create emotional & spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are not alone. -Brené Brown

We were raised in this religion that preaches dancing is bad, but that quote up there says it all. It brings connection between partners, friends, and even strangers. Is that really so bad? 

We did more dancing this week than usual. We went to The Black Keys Concert on Wednesday and to a Mexican dance club on Saturday. It was fun, and that's all that matters. 

Thoughts On Growing Our Family

This last vacation had me feeling really sad that we don't have a family. It was so fun playing and interacting with all of Angulo spawn. I've never gotten it until now, how great it is to have kids of your own. I picked up really weird ideas, made interpretations and internalized things in my pessimistic manner in regard to children. My understanding was that it's bad to have an unplanned pregnancy, especially at a young age. Kids are a lot of work. It's the end of all your fun and funds when you have kids. Maybe some of those are true, but I used those negative thoughts to put off having kids for year. 

I don't think I ever realized how much my parents enjoyed raising us until now. I should've know by how my dad always took us with him everywhere on his days off and my mom did fun activities with us and included us in cooking and cleaning.

I loved seeing the excitement on my nephew's face while we were at the beach and it made me think about how I'm sure my parents had an even stronger feeling of love and excitement seeing us explore Mexico when we were little kids. Those are the moments that make it all worth it. It doesn't matter if you're kids are brats, loving them and watching them grow is magical. 

I don't 100% know why all of a sudden I feel like I am missing out and have this strong desire for a family. I'm done with school and it just feels like what's next. It's probably my crazy brain wanting something I can't have. I'm feeling anger and frustration towards our situation. I want instant result, when that's not always possible. All that negative self talk in my head says I don't deserve it. I often wonder why I've been so successful at work and school, but I suck at marriage and family. 

People I know love us have said some really fucked up things and if I wasn't so respectful I would've told them to eat shit. Comments towards me, how I said I would have kids after I finished school and got a job, but I haven't lived up to that. Comments about my husband, assuming there's something wrong with him, because he hasn't produced kids. Then other side comments in the past few months about how maybe we shouldn't have kids or maybe we haven't gotten pregnant because it wasn't meant to be. Most of these people don't know we've been trying for over a year.

Kind of heavy for a Friday. Here's hoping I get out of this funk and enjoy my 3 day weekend and our anniversary coming up on Thursday. 

Baby Dedications

According to my understanding, it is customary in the Apostolic Assembly to dedicate babies to God, because they are his children. He has chosen the parents to raise his child and teach them the ways of the Lord, but they are borrowed and can be called home at any time.

A prayer of gratitude is done to thank God for such a gift and a prayer of protection over the child and parents. Sometimes they include the grandparents or godparents. Of the few things I still believe in, this ritual is okay. I'm all about showing gratitude, no matter what my beliefs are, so of course I was there in support of my family because I love these little guys.

Since it's Friday I thought I'd throw in a #flashbackfriday photo of my dedication. You can see my grandpo, Uncle Tommy, my Aunt/Godmother Diana, my mom, me, and my dad. It's been speculated that my brother was never dedicated so maybe that's why he's had such a hard time. Possible nonsense.

Okay, enough of my opinions, here are pictures from Kaleb & James's dedication.

Do you ever...?

Do you ever have a schizophrenic pay you a visit?

Do you ever get a 4 AM phone call that your aunt's apartment is on fire?

Do you ever go to your grandpo's to do a puzzle, but he only wants to play on his iPad?

Do you ever go take a bath in your mom's amazing bathtub?

Do you ever have vulnerable conversation at 5 AM?

Do you ever go visit your family because you feel so down on yourself that you just need their love?

Do you ever go watch old home videos of yourself to remind you that you've been a good person.

Do you ever go to Boondocks twice in one week?

Do you ever remember what it's like to be 14 and choose your friends over your family?

Do you ever call in sick to nurse your husband back to health? 

Love Hate Today

Just Two In Love is a blog that is definitely on my favorites list. Today I thought I’d link up with Sydney and share five little things I love and hate today.

I hate…

This winter inversion

Friendships gone sour

When my morning snoozing has to come to an end

Time flying, it’s already Jan. 25^th, Christmas was a month ago

My irritating hangnails

I love…

Meeting up with my husband for lunch

That it’s Friday

My brother-in-law is a teenager, Happy 13^th birthday Anthony

Work being busy, makes me feel accomplished

My Smartphone

Check out Just Two In Love and link up with us about what you love and hate today. 

Three Years of Service

January 7th marked my three year anniversary with FJM. I was working for the Northern Utah Autism Program when my school schedule became too hard to work around so I had to resign. That was one of my favorite jobs, so I was sad to leave, those kids gave me a sense of love and fulfillment that no other job has. I was only without a job for about a week when my aunt told me that TAB was looking for a graveyard Spanish-speaking representative. I went to the interview and was offered the job the immediately.

I am the type of person who once it gets dark I'm ready for bed so you can imagine how horrible I was at working the graveyard shift. They good thing was that it was a very slow, easy going position. When I got off work in the morning I would nap in my car for a bit before class started. My sleep schedule was so messed up and I was grumpier than usual. I did that for a year until I graduated and immediately applied for a day time position. I started working in the loans department after Martin Luther King Jr Day so I think the 19th. I've been here ever since. I don't want to bash on this place because it's been a really good job with lots of extras and great connections, but I didn't expect to be here this long. I'm still searching for that dream job, but it's just not my time yet. It's also getting harder to leave this place because I don't want to take a cut in salary. I suppose maybe after I finish my masters program I'll choose love over money. 

Two people have mentioned to me how nice it is to be acknowledged and my friend did her research prospectus on organizations showing their gratitude for employees. With my aloof attitude I've never bought into the idea because it doesn't really matter to me, but maybe there are some people that need it. Then again, deep down maybe I do like it because here I am sharing with everyone. I guess I just don't like the recognition, it's embarrasses me, and why should anyone be praised for doing what their expected to do? 

Anyway,

Stormy Christmas

This Christmas was unlike any I've experienced so far. We did the usual Christmas Eve dinner at The Vigil's, Christmas Eve at the Angulo's, and Christmas morning at the Perea's. I've hardly understood why my parent's siblings can't come together anymore for Christmas, but I'm starting to see it among my own generation. I've always imagined that a bond between brothers and sisters could not be broken, but this season three of our siblings weren't fully present. I think it sucked, but I tried to stay focused on enjoying those who were there. I wish I could see what lessons we're supposed to be learning or the outcome of all of these emotions. Oh the joys of constantly changing and growing. One thing I've observed is talking about an issue is much more productive than going on for years assuming or ignoring it. Check back in years to see if I've changed my mind. 

I didn't take as many pictures as usual this year, instead I did video clips that I want to use to make a video of this Christmas. When I finish it I'll share it with you all.

Here are a few of my favorite Christmas memories of 2012.

My youngest niece & nephew

Shredding meat for tamales

Christmas Eve at the Angulo's. The kids couldn't wait until midnight so we opened presents around 11 pm.

My mom and grandma Christmas morning

Hey look, my brother made it after all. We worked around his work release schedule so we did Christmas at 6 am.

Sledding

Jimmy & Leah

Angulo girls minus Leah who was mad at Janeece for taking her ball

With this last picture I just want to take the time to talk about how sweet my man is. We don't usually buy each other gifts, but he drew my name so he gave me my gift along with an expression that I deserve so much more. Then he woke up at 5:30 am on Christmas morning so we could get to my mom's to spend Christmas with my brother. Then after a nap we went back to my parent's house for dinner. I appreciate him being so funny and inappropriately entertaining. He even put up with our sit around the table family fights(discussions).

Well today has been…

As Christmas creeps closer I get more and more excited but it seems like little things keep popping up to bring my mood down.

#1 Today my brother booked himself into jail to serve a 60 day sentence. It sucks, but honestly it could be worse. He gets work release so he won’t lose his job, it’s only 60 days, and it’s one step closer to getting his shit taken care of. It’s mostly a downer because my mom is “devastated,” especially because he won’t be around for Christmas. I don’t have kids, so maybe I can’t relate, but I think we should focus on showing him positive support, not making it about us or making him feel shittier than he already does. So there’s that.

#2 The bosses were a little annoyed with me and my co-worker for overlooking a mistake on a Schedule A we sent out. It’s a super easy fix, but the sales man is dramatic so we’re guessing that’s what stressed my boss out the most. Either way, I found it hard to get bitched at, then get together and exchange secret Santa gifts. I got exactly what I asked for, an Amazon gift card to buy Kindle books.

I pampered myself today thanks to an old classmate who posted on Facebook that her spa was in need of pedicure and manicure models. I was able to get a luxury manicure for 70% off. Tomorrow I have an appointment to get my hair trimmed and eyebrows waxed.

I’m glad it’s Friday. I hope everyone has a great weekend! 

Grateful For My Rights

It's crazy to think there was a time when women weren't consider equal to men when it came to voting. I'm grateful to be a Chicana who uses her right to vote. 

I voted today for many reasons, number one being that it's a privilege that not everyone has. I have friends and family who are very involved in furthering their education, uplifting their community and building a strong future for their families, but they don't have a voice in the election yet. 

I was so anxious yesterday thinking about the election. The only way I could calm myself was to meditate in prayer that the right person would be selected. It's relieving to know that after today a decision will be announced.

While reviewing each candidates' plan I couldn't help but get emotional when I read the immigration section. Many of my friends came here as children and America is all they know. Many have bachelors degrees and can't work because they don't have that 9-digit number. Our young people deserve the chance to contribute their talents to this country. 

Next topic of interest that really gets me is all the negativity towards LGBTQ rights like same sex marriage and the right to have children. Seriously if you've ever been in love could you imagine someone telling you what's acceptable in your relationship. You wouldn't stand for it. Everyone deserves love so please have an accepting heart. 

Finally, my health decisions are mine! I have been going to Planned Parenthood ever since I made the decision to be sexually responsible. Everything I stand for has to do with health prevention. Limited access to health care and preventative measures like birth control, mammograms, and other screenings would hinder progress in early detection and family planning. Back off! 

I know there are many other issues, but these are a few that really matter to me. I hope you get out and exercise your rights today. 

An Awkward Affair

Why do things have to be so awkward. I just saw someone that as a couple we've decided to let go of, because they've let go of their self-respect and our relationship. We aren't like everyone else that's turning a blind eye and pretending nothing happened or that it won't happen again. I feel like a horrible person for  hesitating when I have a feeling that I should contact them (are you hurt? are you depressed?) and for not trying harder, but you can only try so hard. It's bitter to say that they're not our concern anymore, let the new people in their life make them happy. We don't accept the actions or the choices, but we'll never shut our door if help is needed. I constantly struggle with letting go...