Guilt and Other Emotions

I think I was in a positive, adrenaline fueled fog the first few days after Niko was born. I was driven and strong, doing what had to be done. That eventually wore off when the pain after childbirth set in, having to take care of a 2 year old, and going home without my baby. 

The first night I had to pump I cried every session.

I cried seeing my baby uncomfortable and not being able to nurture him. 

I cry...often...because Che is so dang challenging with me. I know Jose doesn't like that I keep wanting to get rid of him to my mom's but I need a break. He wears me the fuck out. I get frustrated and don't want to take it out on either Che or Jose because they're going through this rough time too. I was really worried how Che would react when we had a new baby in the house and that's been postponed, but I know he feels the stress.  He's so clingy and wants to nurse often.  He's been happy going to my mom's but when he gets home he is stuck to me like glue and won't stop saying he misses me. I love him, he's so sweet and maturing. It's such a mixture of emotions. He cries and tantrums because I can't carry him around. It frustrates me when we take him to the hospital because he wants me to hold him and pay attention to him, but I want to pay attention to the new baby and my body hurts, I can't constantly be carrying a 25 lb 2 year old. I want to take Jose's feelings into consideration that he wants Che with us, but in order for me to be a good mother I need to take care of myself, if that means sending Che away for a few hours a day, I have to do it. I'm overwhelmed. Che keeps peeing the bed. It's my fault because I haven't been getting his night diaper on in time. His nursing is out of control. I need to pump milk for the baby but he hates the pump and throws things at it. It's not that easy to cut him off, he's stressed and it's been helpful to comfort him, even if it hurts me. It's mostly at night when I get nursing aversion and he won't fall asleep. 

I've been trying to stay away from stray thoughts that want to take me to a place where I blame myself. Would it have been different if I birthed in a hospital? Did my midwives miss something while I was in labor? Did I get too cocky and need some humbling? Is my body no good at birth? Maybe Jose's thought it, but he's nice, he hasn't once blamed me. My dad on the other hand, I know out of worry, was very vocal about thinking it was human error from my witch doctors. My stupid BPD symptom of needing to obtain perfection makes me worry about what people think of me. I was quiet about it on social media for days. Only posting on Instagram several days later, when I was ready.

Last night at the hospital was good, I've had questions as to why and I finally was surrounded by nurturing women that let me cry and told me to knock it off, blaming myself was not okay. The nurse practitioner, nurse and respiratory therapist on last night told me this could have happened to anyone in or out of the hospital, it just happens.  The blood could have been from my placenta starting to detach from the uterus, the meconium could have been from the baby being stressed and pooping in utero. 

I cry because I miss my baby. 

I am astonished by all of the good people who make up our support system. My family supports me the best they can. Watching Che is more helpful than they'll ever know. My mom was dealing with my dad's surgery and being sick. That made me feel guilty, but I needed to send him away in order to rest and heal. 

Jose is getting support from his friends, they're good guys for not being too macho to show their love and concern. I appreciate them for that. 

So many people praying for my little guy.

Right now most of my emotion is stemming from being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate. I don't even think the hard part has begun yet and I feel like I can't keep up with Che, life, eating, and my health. I am letting it out through crying and writing. Hopefully not taking it out on those around me. 

I'm Grateful for My Baby Daddy

Now isn't that the trashiest blog title?

I'm grateful for my husband. Being married is weirdly a lot of work. Recently so many of my family are struggling through divorces and it makes me sad for them. It sounds so painful that people can just stop loving each other. Shitty things happen and sometimes I get really judgey towards people who give up, but I suppose people know what they can handle.

Anyway back to my life. We're in family mode, focused on building and raising our clan. We're so different so I know we'll face parenting challenges, but I believe we both have great qualities to pass on.

While I was recovering from childbirth if I've ever questioned if he loves me, in those moments, I knew he absolutely does. He would tell me to do my self care rituals, go to my room, shut the door, and take a nap. The best thing a new mom could do.

Watching how he interacts and loves his son puts the biggest smile on my face. They're lucky to have each other.

Dancing

Laughter, song, and dance create emotional & spiritual connection; they remind us of the one thing that truly matters when we are searching for comfort, celebration, inspiration, or healing: We are not alone. -Brené Brown

We were raised in this religion that preaches dancing is bad, but that quote up there says it all. It brings connection between partners, friends, and even strangers. Is that really so bad? 

We did more dancing this week than usual. We went to The Black Keys Concert on Wednesday and to a Mexican dance club on Saturday. It was fun, and that's all that matters. 

4th Anniversary

Time passes so quickly, I feel like just yesterday we were having dinner on our 3rd anniversary. Too much has happened in a year and it has by far been the hardest year. It feels good to finally be in a good place. I almost hate the saying "trust the process," but sometimes it's all you can do. Communication is good, schedules are good, money is good. We're having a good time and know we want this life together. 

I got Jose a few random gifts and have turned him on to expensive underwear. I picked them because I thought his butt would look good in some fun prints, but it turns out he likes how they feel and wants to buy more. 

We had dinner and drinks at Olive Garden. All we have are Snapchats, no good pics. I usually take a couples picture each year so we can look back on each year, we forgot to do it the day of so we did it the next day while we were at home relaxing. It's not cute, but it's real. 

As we were stopped to turn right out of Olive Garden's parking lot a guy pulled in and I could see him looking over his shoulder the whole time he was turning, he hit into our truck. It was more inconveinent than anything. All persons are fine, the truck will need some work. 

After September passes I'll be ready for year 5. Hopefully it involves some baby making, a new vehicle, and plenty of adventure. 

Thoughts On Growing Our Family

This last vacation had me feeling really sad that we don't have a family. It was so fun playing and interacting with all of Angulo spawn. I've never gotten it until now, how great it is to have kids of your own. I picked up really weird ideas, made interpretations and internalized things in my pessimistic manner in regard to children. My understanding was that it's bad to have an unplanned pregnancy, especially at a young age. Kids are a lot of work. It's the end of all your fun and funds when you have kids. Maybe some of those are true, but I used those negative thoughts to put off having kids for year. 

I don't think I ever realized how much my parents enjoyed raising us until now. I should've know by how my dad always took us with him everywhere on his days off and my mom did fun activities with us and included us in cooking and cleaning.

I loved seeing the excitement on my nephew's face while we were at the beach and it made me think about how I'm sure my parents had an even stronger feeling of love and excitement seeing us explore Mexico when we were little kids. Those are the moments that make it all worth it. It doesn't matter if you're kids are brats, loving them and watching them grow is magical. 

I don't 100% know why all of a sudden I feel like I am missing out and have this strong desire for a family. I'm done with school and it just feels like what's next. It's probably my crazy brain wanting something I can't have. I'm feeling anger and frustration towards our situation. I want instant result, when that's not always possible. All that negative self talk in my head says I don't deserve it. I often wonder why I've been so successful at work and school, but I suck at marriage and family. 

People I know love us have said some really fucked up things and if I wasn't so respectful I would've told them to eat shit. Comments towards me, how I said I would have kids after I finished school and got a job, but I haven't lived up to that. Comments about my husband, assuming there's something wrong with him, because he hasn't produced kids. Then other side comments in the past few months about how maybe we shouldn't have kids or maybe we haven't gotten pregnant because it wasn't meant to be. Most of these people don't know we've been trying for over a year.

Kind of heavy for a Friday. Here's hoping I get out of this funk and enjoy my 3 day weekend and our anniversary coming up on Thursday. 

Late 20's

How do you start off you late 20’s? By celebrating all weekend of course. Friday was men only. Jose and his friends went out to play pool and to Keys On Main, a place he’s always wanted to check out. Saturday we had the greatest date. Sunday we did exactly what he wanted, which was relax and start a new Netflix series, Dexter. Monday, on his actual birthday, my parents took us out to Buffalo Wild Wings. I appreciate that my family loves Jose so much. He got jeans, a Harley Davidson ring, and a firearm to add to his collection. We had a really happy time. I’m so grateful to be by his side, sharing these special occasions with him as we grow up.

Shooting Out of My Comfort Zone

Jose took me to an indoor shooting range. It was super intimidating and loud. At one point I had to talk out loud and pretend I was one of Olivia Pope’s gladiators that needed to learn how to shoot. It worked, sort of. I was able to pull the trigger, but still wanted to close my eyes. I did fairly well and hit somewhere on the target almost every time. I feel a lot more comfortable and confident that I know how to hold a gun, load a gun, and shoot a gun. I don’t want to carry one around with me or anything, but for sport, it’s not too bad.

We stopped at Lucky Slice for pizza and wings. I felt so happy chatting, laughing and playing the Nintendo Ninja Turtles game they have. Why are dates so magical?

It was a really snowy day so we stayed cuddle up at home for the rest of the evening with his and her drinks.

Where Have I Been?

I've been out losing mind, for the following reasons:

Conflict Resolution and Negotiation class

Vulnerability

Not feeling worthy of love

Marriage

Trusting the process

Friend's death

Suicidal thoughts from someone dear to me

If you want to rock your thoughts  go ahead and explore Brené Brown's work. 

I hope I'm Where I'm Supposed To Be or heading in the right direction. 

3rd Anniversary

My husband and I celebrated our 3rd anniversary. I'm not the type of person to pour out mushy stuff all over social media, but I'll get a little more sentimental here. I wasn't very emotionally stable since my friend had just passed away, but I knew I wanted to go home and dedicate the evening to celebrating our marriage. To me it was the perfect evening, we took a nap, then got dressed up for dinner. I'm not going to lie, it was hard not to be sad, but I also couldn't help but feel lucky to have my husband. We had a lot to reflect back on this year, mostly good things. We had an amazing vacation, started new jobs, and found a hobby we both like. I'm most appreciative that he let's me live an independent lifestyle, where I can go to school and do my own hobbies. This year I really want to dedicate our efforts to becoming better communicators. My masters program has given me refreshing ideas of what it means to communicate effectively and I want that for us. 

A little something I want to remember is how we often banter back and forth about whether we're soulmates or not. I found this meme that made me laugh because as much as I don't want to believe in soulmates this is so how I feel realizing that indeed we are soulmates whether I like it or not. We were meant to find each other because I need someone to keep me lively and crazy. 

A Come Together Fourth

We had no plans for the fourth. I had the day off and Jose worked. I slept in and it was glorious. I set out to find some Independence Day sales, but had little luck. Throughout the day I started feeling really lonely as I realized that a lot of what I do, I do by myself. I love alone time, but for some reason on a holiday I expected to be surrounded by friends and family. My dad joked that if they had a BBQ I wasn't invited because I was out of the circle for pissing my mom off. That's fine I guess, I would've shown up anyway, but they didn't have any shindig that I'm aware of. 

Jose got off work at a decent hour, 2:00 PM, rather than the usual 9:00 PM, so he went to a co-worker's BBQ, while I finished up my shopping. I just want to note that I am proud of him for thinking ahead and getting ride because he knew he'd be drinking. His friend's family is from Honduras so they had some authentic food that he said was amazing. 

We met up and headed to my cousin Stephanie's house to watch fireworks. She lives way high up on the mountain side so you can see all of the fireworks in the valley, plus they had some of their own. I remember when we were little Steph's family would come to my house and we would celebrate the 4th together, so it was nice to bring our new families together and relive and old tradition. 

It's such a small world(Apostolic world), as we sat around the table talking with Stephanie's husband and his parents. Marcelo told my husband that he remembers him from when they were little and used to go to the same church in California. Jose's family moved here first, then two years later Marcelo's family moved to Utah only to show up at church seeing some familiar faces that they used to congregate with. 

Steph and Marcelo have the cutest two month old, James. I just want to hug him forever. With no plans I'd say we had a pretty nice, relaxing fourth. 

This last picture is of my niece and nephew wearing the shirts we got them in Florida. 

Motorcycle Diaries

I finally registered the new motorcycle. I’m a little embarrassed to admit some of the stupid moves I made last Friday, but I’m human so here goes. I was at a stop light, at a really busy intersection in Clinton and when the light turned green I killed the engine and almost dropped my bike. Super embarrassing, but I’m glad I was able to hold it up and not cause a big traffic mess. Second, my co-workers wanted to see her so we went out and when I started it up I wasn’t on it and didn’t check if it was in neutral. It wasn’t! I could’ve taken off, but I was holding the brake so it only jerked enough to scare us all. I was pretty disappointed in myself by the end of the day and dreaded riding home in traffic. I took HWY 89 home and it all worked out.

Saturday evening we rode to the movies. The night ride home was my favorite. It’s nice riding without any pressure to be somewhere, just riding for fun. I like being able to follow my husband, he gives me confidence, because I want to be his badass wife on her own bike.

I want to get all of the practice I can so I rode to work this morning. I decided to be daring and take the freeway because even though I'm scared to go fast I feel safer on there than passing through a million intersection. When I was getting ready to go this morning I saw two criminal looking men walking down the street in my direction. I’m not usually scared of people, but I got a panicky feeling. I was just going to hurry , put my helmet on and take off before they could approach me. I also had time to quickly think about what if they came up to me in a threatening way, how would I beat them up? I turned my back to them and while I was putting my helmet on one of them grabbed me by the lonjas (love handles). It scared the shit out of me, but it turns out it was only my brother.  

Here's a picture of the shoe collection under my desk. Boots because I rode my motorcycle, heels because I'm a professional, and Vans because I'm in and out of cars installing car seats and carrying other random heavy things. 

Our Florida/Bahamas Vacation

What a vacation we had! We started out in Fort Lauderdale, cruised to The Bahamas, then ended in Orlando. I wrote about how I was nervous for vacation, but it turned out better than I ever imagined. I truly enjoyed the time I spent with my husband, we had to work as a team as we navigated in a new place and planned out different things to do. Even when frustrating things came up we didn’t fight, we just went with the flow. Vacation was definitely a time for us to reconnect, laugh and have fun again without the daily routine.

Our vacation package included the hotel stays, the cruise, a rental car, and food vouchers for every meal. That good husband of mine let me choose the car. We drove around in a Fiat, because when would we ever have the chance again? It was fun to zip around in, but definitely tiny.

You can read about the fishing trip we took while in Fort Lauderdale. We spent a little time in West Palm Beach. Our tour guide Frank said the area is known for being able to grow anything. He showed us a lot of trees and plants that people have brought to the area.

One night we went out to see Star Trek, not the most exciting thing, but we really enjoy going to the movies so it was fun for us. We spent time napping, snacking and watching TV, things I don’t usually do at home.

Friday we boarded the cruise ship. I was a little nervous because I never found our passports, luckly our birth certificates were enough to get us through. From what I heard this was a dump of a cruise compared to the major cruises, but for our first experience we had an enjoyable time. The second night we were feeling a little sea sick during our fancy dinner so we retreated back to our cabin to try and get a grip. Not sure if we could handle a 7 day cruise.

On the island we went to the Taino Resort where we spent most of the time in the pool because my husband doesn’t like swimming in salt water. There was a swim up bar inside a cave where we had a fun time drinking and chatting with other vacationers.

Our last stop was in Orlando, it’s a big tourist area so there was plenty to do. We went to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Museum and saw some strange things, like a Michael Jackson cockroach. Tuesday we went to Islands of Adventures so I could go to Hogwarts. Jose wasn’t really excited about going, but he just wants to see me happy. I know he ended up really enjoying the HP rides, even if he won’t admit it. We had lunch at The Three Broomsticks along with a butterbeer and a hogs head brew. We were tired and our feet hurt by the end of the day. I can’t imagine going with kids, sounds miserable, but maybe their joy makes it more bearable.

It’s good to be home in our own bed with our kitty cat. I love the time we spent making memories together.  We played hard, now it’s time to come back and work hard until our next big adventure.