This last vacation had me feeling really sad that we don't have a family. It was so fun playing and interacting with all of Angulo spawn. I've never gotten it until now, how great it is to have kids of your own. I picked up really weird ideas, made interpretations and internalized things in my pessimistic manner in regard to children. My understanding was that it's bad to have an unplanned pregnancy, especially at a young age. Kids are a lot of work. It's the end of all your fun and funds when you have kids. Maybe some of those are true, but I used those negative thoughts to put off having kids for year.
I don't think I ever realized how much my parents enjoyed raising us until now. I should've know by how my dad always took us with him everywhere on his days off and my mom did fun activities with us and included us in cooking and cleaning.
I loved seeing the excitement on my nephew's face while we were at the beach and it made me think about how I'm sure my parents had an even stronger feeling of love and excitement seeing us explore Mexico when we were little kids. Those are the moments that make it all worth it. It doesn't matter if you're kids are brats, loving them and watching them grow is magical.
I don't 100% know why all of a sudden I feel like I am missing out and have this strong desire for a family. I'm done with school and it just feels like what's next. It's probably my crazy brain wanting something I can't have. I'm feeling anger and frustration towards our situation. I want instant result, when that's not always possible. All that negative self talk in my head says I don't deserve it. I often wonder why I've been so successful at work and school, but I suck at marriage and family.
People I know love us have said some really fucked up things and if I wasn't so respectful I would've told them to eat shit. Comments towards me, how I said I would have kids after I finished school and got a job, but I haven't lived up to that. Comments about my husband, assuming there's something wrong with him, because he hasn't produced kids. Then other side comments in the past few months about how maybe we shouldn't have kids or maybe we haven't gotten pregnant because it wasn't meant to be. Most of these people don't know we've been trying for over a year.
Kind of heavy for a Friday. Here's hoping I get out of this funk and enjoy my 3 day weekend and our anniversary coming up on Thursday.