Thursday, December 21, 2017

Germs

I'm so happy we get to take him home soon. I've cried several times while we were out with family or thinking about Christmas, because it would be like something is missing; him.

Now that I know he'll be home for Christmas I'm getting so paranoid about germs. That is so not me, I've never thought of the body as weak. I'm prepared to be an asshole and not let anyone hold my baby. It's not worth it to me for him to end up sicker. We should probably just stay home, but I also want to have family time. We'll see what Jose thinks. He better have my back. With Che he was so cute and  made people use sanitizer when I didn't even care, like I said germs have never scared me until now.

I get so antsy at home and like to be out and about but now that my sick baby is coming home I don't even care if I don't get out of the house. I'll stay locked away if it means he's safer.

Friday, December 15, 2017

Guilt and Other Emotions

I think I was in a positive, adrenaline fueled fog the first few days after Niko was born. I was driven and strong, doing what had to be done. That eventually wore off when the pain after childbirth set in, having to take care of a 2 year old, and going home without my baby. 

The first night I had to pump I cried every session.

I cried seeing my baby uncomfortable and not being able to nurture him. 

I cry...often...because Che is so dang challenging with me. I know Jose doesn't like that I keep wanting to get rid of him to my mom's but I need a break. He wears me the fuck out. I get frustrated and don't want to take it out on either Che or Jose because they're going through this rough time too. I was really worried how Che would react when we had a new baby in the house and that's been postponed, but I know he feels the stress.  He's so clingy and wants to nurse often.  He's been happy going to my mom's but when he gets home he is stuck to me like glue and won't stop saying he misses me. I love him, he's so sweet and maturing. It's such a mixture of emotions. He cries and tantrums because I can't carry him around. It frustrates me when we take him to the hospital because he wants me to hold him and pay attention to him, but I want to pay attention to the new baby and my body hurts, I can't constantly be carrying a 25 lb 2 year old. I want to take Jose's feelings into consideration that he wants Che with us, but in order for me to be a good mother I need to take care of myself, if that means sending Che away for a few hours a day, I have to do it. I'm overwhelmed. Che keeps peeing the bed. It's my fault because I haven't been getting his night diaper on in time. His nursing is out of control. I need to pump milk for the baby but he hates the pump and throws things at it. It's not that easy to cut him off, he's stressed and it's been helpful to comfort him, even if it hurts me. It's mostly at night when I get nursing aversion and he won't fall asleep. 

I've been trying to stay away from stray thoughts that want to take me to a place where I blame myself. Would it have been different if I birthed in a hospital? Did my midwives miss something while I was in labor? Did I get too cocky and need some humbling? Is my body no good at birth? Maybe Jose's thought it, but he's nice, he hasn't once blamed me. My dad on the other hand, I know out of worry, was very vocal about thinking it was human error from my witch doctors. My stupid BPD symptom of needing to obtain perfection makes me worry about what people think of me. I was quiet about it on social media for days. Only posting on Instagram several days later, when I was ready.

Last night at the hospital was good, I've had questions as to why and I finally was surrounded by nurturing women that let me cry and told me to knock it off, blaming myself was not okay. The nurse practitioner, nurse and respiratory therapist on last night told me this could have happened to anyone in or out of the hospital, it just happens.  The blood could have been from my placenta starting to detach from the uterus, the meconium could have been from the baby being stressed and pooping in utero. 

I cry because I miss my baby. 

I am astonished by all of the good people who make up our support system. My family supports me the best they can. Watching Che is more helpful than they'll ever know. My mom was dealing with my dad's surgery and being sick. That made me feel guilty, but I needed to send him away in order to rest and heal. 

Jose is getting support from his friends, they're good guys for not being too macho to show their love and concern. I appreciate them for that. 

So many people praying for my little guy.

Right now most of my emotion is stemming from being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate. I don't even think the hard part has begun yet and I feel like I can't keep up with Che, life, eating, and my health. I am letting it out through crying and writing. Hopefully not taking it out on those around me. 


NICU Week 1

Never did we imagine we'd have a baby who needed to stay in the NICU. I had a healthy pregnancy and delivered pretty much on my due date, with no interventions or complications. 

I liked my birth experience and hope to write about it after I express my thoughts and feelings about where we're at right now. Niko wasn't breathing after he came out, my midwives started CPR and EMS arrived quickly and took him to Mckay-Dee.

He's been there a week now. He looks so different from when he first arrived. He started out with cooling therapy, where they use a blanket with water running through it to cool down the body to 91.4° to slow cell development in order to prevent brain injury. That was done for 72 hours. We weren't able to touch anything other than his hands or feet because we couldn't raise his body temp. They said it's painful, like being out in the cold of winter. It was heartbreaking seeming him cold and not being able to nurture him. They slowly warmed his body up over a 7 hour period. Seeing him warm made everything feel better. He was more colorful and plump. After they warmed him They started feeding him breastmilk through a feeding tube.

He's had some air leakage into his chest cavity. They released air from the right side with a needle. That didn't work on the left so they had to put in a chest tube. They said it's painful so he was being sedated with morphine. They took the chest tube out, but had to reinsert it because x-rays showed more air leaking. They're hoping to remove the chest tube again and for good on Friday. 

A big milestone was being able to completely wean him off  of the ventilator Thursday. He is now breathing on his own, but is being given oxygen. 

It seems like they don't really say when he'll be out because, 1) I guess they can't know for sure and 2) they don't want  to get our hopes up. For some reason I thought this would be a couple of days kind of thing, but it's looking much longer. 

They aren't getting positive results that he has an infection, but his lung inflammation and some other protein test is coming back high so they are giving him an antibiotic in case he does have infection in his lungs. They started that Tuesday and it has to be administered for 10 days, so we know he'll be there at least that long. In order to discharge he has to be breathing on his own, eating on his own, maintaining his body temperature and have no changes in his heart rhythms. 

I've wanted him home so bad, I never thought of how scary having him home might be, always worrying if he's breathing. Jose is very vigilant at night checking on Che to make sure he's okay, I can't imagine he'll get any sleep with the new baby. 

He's still really sick, they say, but he's making good progress. Once the chest tube can be removed they'll do a MRI to see how is brain is looking. He could have brain damage from lack of oxygen. I'm scared to hear the results, but I know the brain is powerful and can heal. I'm also grateful my son is alive no matter what disabilities he may have in the future. 

Here are some photos of his milestones. 
 Within the hour after he was born. 











Saturday, November 11, 2017

Nursing a Toddler

When I was pregnant with Che knew I would do whatever it took to breastfeed. I never had a goal. I guess I had kind of heard about going until you both were ready to wean. I now have a nursing 2 year old.

As with the whole journey every week, every day seems different. I'm not sure if I've forgotten how it was to nurse a newborn but this little guy kicks my butt. It seems like some days were constantly nursing.

I do it because he's developing, going through new experiences and emotions. I feel like I can offer him a resting place when he is overwhelmed and his little mind is frazzled. I love the thought of boosting his immune system and giving him nutrients. I also plan to use it as a tool if he is feeling left out after his baby brothet arrives.

Nursing during pregnancy has been painful. Nursing aversion is so interesting to me. I'm usually okay nursing him throughout the day, but bedtime and nighttime makes me irritated.

This past week I needed to gain some control because I've been feeling overwhelmed that all Che wants is me. I've cut out nursing while he's watching TV. During random times I've uped my distraction game. I'm 8 months pregnant and like many things I've read, my supply is slowing. He'll tell me their empty pretty quickly. I use that as an excuse and make him wait until bedtime.

It's such a strange transition because I don't want to cut him off before the baby comes. One night while he was nursing I felt sad that I had denied him throughout the day and don't want this to end yet.