Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Fight With Tools Pt. 2

The last night of the 8-week Conflict Resolution and Negotiation classed ended with us all going around talking about our experience and what direction we wanted to take with what we learned. I was surprised and happy for many of my classmates' progress. It was helpful to hear everyone's journey and I love that in the past two years we've all  grown comfortable enough with each other to be vulnerable. One of the most important things I'm learning is that I'm not alone, even if my inner critic makes me feel like I am. 

By the end of the class I felt like my husband and I did a great job discussing our needs, but we were stuck in limbo of how to step up and meet them, because they seemed to conflict with each other. I wanted more quality time, to get off the couch and away from the screen. He wanted to be more social and go out with the guys. I tried to see him going out with friends as a better option than being a coach potato. I was really hung up on how he wasn't meeting my needs fast enough that I had to rein myself in and stop assuming he wasn't going to meet them. 

I'm very pessimistic and often times assume the worst. I have these negative scripts about myself running through my head that need to be stopped. Every time my husband goes out with his friends I assume the worst. Again, I had to stop and think about what I was really feeling. I have irrational thoughts that my husband would rather go out with other people because I'm not fun enough. 

I started looking into Brene Brown's work about how many of us don't think we're worthy of love. We think we'll be worthy when we're skinny enough, complete our degrees, or get a promotion. That's me, I never feel good enough. I am always aiming for better, I demand a lot from myself. There's nothing wrong with having dreams, but I think I'm so worried about checking things off my list that I don't stop and enjoy where I'm at. 

I've been really anxious about social situations lately. We run into conflict when I want to go out, just the two of us, and he wants to invite friends. Again my scripts started running that I'm not fun enough, he has to invite other people. I'm not afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone so one night I decided I'd go with it. A lot of friends met us at a bar to watch a UFC fight. I decide not to drink because I needed a clear head. I made it through the evening with a bunch of drunks. I got annoyed several times, but my intentions were to give my husband the night he wanted, free from judgment. I did it, I didn't like it. Getting drunk and acting a fool is not my idea of fun. I feel like I did what I could to meet his need to be social, while kind of meeting my need to spend time with him. It wasn't ideal, but it was another step in the process. 

I've started really hating these new friends my husband has, who are out at bars attracting girls' attention and pulling him away from me. It started getting so bad in those two months that we spent several weekends apart and had some serious talks about our marriage. It seemed that we both wanted different things and maybe we weren't going to find those things together. Which was heartbreaking. 

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