Graduation Party

I had the best graduation party ever. Honestly I was looking forward to this party more than the university ceremonies. I worked hard for this. It was fun to have so many people help me celebrate. I felt so loved by their presence and presents.

I can't thank my parents enough for working so hard putting it together and everyone else who helped with

food prep

decorations

drinks 

photos

DJ

bounce house

dancing

&

clean up.

The theme was cowboy/cowgirl because my parents live in the country and I love the country life. It was fun to see all of the creative get ups. 

All of these connections have loved me, supported me and helped me grow into who I am. I love you all. 

MPC Graduation

It's been two months since graduation. My diploma actually just arrived in the mail last week. It didn't set in right away that it was over. After not having homework or classes  and getting back on a consistent evening schedule it finally feels real. 

I was so excited for my hooding ceremony. It was an evening ceremony of just my cohort and our families. It was a special honor to have our professors place our masters hood over our heads and onto our shoulders. They did it fairly quickly so it wasn't on very good and looks silly in my photos in case you're wondering.  

I was looking forward to speeches from some of my favorite classmates. They did a stellar job portraying what it was like in the program and describing the bond we all built. I love them all and will miss meeting up with them for class. 

Just a side note, I don't mean to be a downer on a celebratory post, but I just want to make sure my journaling is accurate. I was excited and looking forward to the evening festivities, but I received the some horrible news that afternoon. I'm just glad I had the support of the two people in this world who have always been rooting for me since day one and who understand how important education is to me, because unfortunately there are several people who love me, but put me down about how educated I am. Thanks Mom and Dad. 

The next day was a commencement ceremony I did not attend, because I remember my undergrad one and it was boring and long. I didn't want to make anyone have to suffer through that. My college convocation was later on in the afternoon. Since it was the College of Arts and Humanities it was a very entertaining ceremony with musical and theatrical performances. I was happy that my grandparents, cousins, parents, and friend Ashley were able to attend. They're my biggest fans. We had a nice lunch afterward at Goodwood. 

Pre-hood

 My mom wrote me the nicest card and got me a Pandora bracelet 

 Things I love-snow, yoga, picture taking

New Moon

I've been going to yoga a few days a week with some girls from work. This is about as much spirituality as I get now a days and it's been good. In class the instructor mentioned how the following day was the new moon. She said to think of it as a mini new year and allow yourself to make a fresh start or get rejuvenated to continue a project. I looked at my moon phase app and not only were the sun, moon, and earth in alignment, but the moon was in the zodiac sign Aquarius, my sign. Now I don't really even know what that means or believe in it, but the idea was planted and I was really productive and got this unexplained drive to work on my graduate project. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 3

It feels like we got to our breaking point and got serious about respecting each other because we love each other and want to make it work. We've been doing good for the past few weeks, more effort and more happiness. We agreed that it wouldn't hurt to get additional help. I believe it's really important to address mental health issues and quit seeing it as taboo, so we scheduled a counseling session through my work's employee assistance program. I was really nervous, but appreciative of my husband's willingness to go. 

Our session with Rich went well. He brought up that life is a process and that many times when couples keep bumping into a brick wall they don't realize that together they can get around it, instead, out of frustration they think it's easier to split. We're at a brick wall and ready to get onto the next step in our process together. 

He acknowledged that we're young and should be enjoying our free time before children. That's a hot topic because my husband wants to start a family. We've had serious talks about it, and in May I decided I would go along with whatever happened, but I wasn't whole heartily ready. I've made many excuses like after I get my bachelors degree, after I find a job, after I get my masters degree. I love kids and have spent a lot of time learning about pregnancy, natural birth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, all of that, but I'm scared to make that leap and get pregnant. The counselor wanted to know why and in my rant of trying to justify my reasons of being scared of changing and taking on the responsibility it came out clearly that I don't think I'll be a good enough parent. 

Rich suggested that I really focus on working on my insecurities, rewriting the scripts in my head. I need to stop assuming the worst by reframing my thoughts. Is there an answer of why people end up this way? Was I taught to think bad about myself? He made a good point, I would never treat anyone they way I treat myself because it would be considered abuse. Now it's up to me to be conscious and work on overcoming my weaknesses. We have a 2nd session scheduled in December. I like how he straight up said it's not my husband's job to make me feel less insecure, he has his part to play in supporting me, but it needs to be something I fix. I don't exactly know how to stop being insecure or negative other than paying attention to my self-talk and changing it. I'm open to suggestions and additional readings. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 2

The last night of the 8-week Conflict Resolution and Negotiation classed ended with us all going around talking about our experience and what direction we wanted to take with what we learned. I was surprised and happy for many of my classmates' progress. It was helpful to hear everyone's journey and I love that in the past two years we've all  grown comfortable enough with each other to be vulnerable. One of the most important things I'm learning is that I'm not alone, even if my inner critic makes me feel like I am. 

By the end of the class I felt like my husband and I did a great job discussing our needs, but we were stuck in limbo of how to step up and meet them, because they seemed to conflict with each other. I wanted more quality time, to get off the couch and away from the screen. He wanted to be more social and go out with the guys. I tried to see him going out with friends as a better option than being a coach potato. I was really hung up on how he wasn't meeting my needs fast enough that I had to rein myself in and stop assuming he wasn't going to meet them. 

I'm very pessimistic and often times assume the worst. I have these negative scripts about myself running through my head that need to be stopped. Every time my husband goes out with his friends I assume the worst. Again, I had to stop and think about what I was really feeling. I have irrational thoughts that my husband would rather go out with other people because I'm not fun enough. 

I started looking into Brene Brown's work about how many of us don't think we're worthy of love. We think we'll be worthy when we're skinny enough, complete our degrees, or get a promotion. That's me, I never feel good enough. I am always aiming for better, I demand a lot from myself. There's nothing wrong with having dreams, but I think I'm so worried about checking things off my list that I don't stop and enjoy where I'm at. 

I've been really anxious about social situations lately. We run into conflict when I want to go out, just the two of us, and he wants to invite friends. Again my scripts started running that I'm not fun enough, he has to invite other people. I'm not afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone so one night I decided I'd go with it. A lot of friends met us at a bar to watch a UFC fight. I decide not to drink because I needed a clear head. I made it through the evening with a bunch of drunks. I got annoyed several times, but my intentions were to give my husband the night he wanted, free from judgment. I did it, I didn't like it. Getting drunk and acting a fool is not my idea of fun. I feel like I did what I could to meet his need to be social, while kind of meeting my need to spend time with him. It wasn't ideal, but it was another step in the process. 

I've started really hating these new friends my husband has, who are out at bars attracting girls' attention and pulling him away from me. It started getting so bad in those two months that we spent several weekends apart and had some serious talks about our marriage. It seemed that we both wanted different things and maybe we weren't going to find those things together. Which was heartbreaking. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 1

These last two months have been mental torture for me. I can't think of any other time in my life where I've felt so sad, so alone or so lost. I've had to pull out tools to stabilize my life. Things like daily journaling, reading, exercise, acupuncture, music, affirmations, counseling, support from friends, and even turning to a higher power.

I've pinpointed that the process started in October during my Conflict Resolution and Negotiation Class. My cohort went in there expecting to learn about dealing with conflict in the work place. BAM! Little did we know we would be working from the ground up and learning how we personally deal with conflict. Learning about ourselves and how to handle conflict with those we care about most was the best place to start. 

Despite its negative connotation, conflict doesn't equate to bad. Conflict means that you care enough to confront what is going on. We started out by digging into the past and writing about our earliest memories of conflict. I identified that conflict for me is like a grenade, I build it up, then pull the pin, resulting in a feeling that I need to run before my surroundings blow up. We also had to interview several people about how it is to communicate with us. I asked my mom, husband, and office mate. To summarize, they said I'm very direct, to the point, raise my voice when I'm passionately speaking, and often times dismiss others' views if they don't match up with my own. I don't disagree. 

The first night of class we were introduced to the idea that many of us have a hard time identifying and sharing what is really bothering us; being vulnerable. We use superficial things in an argument to mask our feelings. This video is an example of what we were discussing. My professor's example was much better, and we'll never think of a pie in the same way again. Our homework was to think about what was really bothering us. I had a great example come up. I had been sick for days and just wanted my husband to comfort me and take care of me. I got upset and started going off about how he is always playing video games and doesn't' help me. I had to go into the other room, force myself to think about what was really bothering me, then go back and talk to him. I didn't want to continue on with him thinking I was really mad about the video games, when my real needs were that I needed to feel  like I was a priority and loved. 

This was new for us and didn't go as smoothly as I imagined. I didn't seem like we made any progress, but little did I know it was all part of a greater process.  I had no idea why I was so tired and drained after talking, but I soon discovered it's called a vulnerability hangover.  Something interesting my professor pointed out; although I'm direct in stating my needs, I often run before giving anyone the chance to meet those needs. I thought it was great observation and I completely agree that I doubt people pretty early on of being capable of meeting my needs. I like to do things myself and I set really high standards. 

That was the first notable step in this process, I'll be writing several more posts about what unfolded. Like I said, I never expected it to take so long and go full blown, but I feel good about what is happening and if this first step never took place I wouldn't be on my way to a better life. 

My professor has a blog called Canffirmations that has some really great posts if you're interested in reading. 

Where Have I Been?

I've been out losing mind, for the following reasons:

Conflict Resolution and Negotiation class

Vulnerability

Not feeling worthy of love

Marriage

Trusting the process

Friend's death

Suicidal thoughts from someone dear to me

If you want to rock your thoughts  go ahead and explore Brené Brown's work. 

I hope I'm Where I'm Supposed To Be or heading in the right direction. 

Final Video Project

I finished up my New Media class and must say I really, really liked it. It was fun learning about video editing and shooting good shots. I've never had a class like this, where I felt vulnerable, but challenged, showing my work to my peers every week. It was fun to see everyone's ideas turn into a video that told a story. I loved the discussion and bonding time we had as a cohort. It's sad to think this was the last class we'll all have together. Only 8 more months until graduation. 

Here's my final video project. We had to do something geared toward our profession so I did an instructional car seat video. I appreciate my cousin and her son taking the time to act in my little video. When we were younger Stephanie and I made some pretty quirky videos, so it was fun to work with her again. 

Here are some photos from the last night of class. A few are people are missing, so at graduation we'll have to get a complete class picture.  

Short Video for My New Media Class

I have a new media class this semester which includes creating and editing videos and podcasts. For this first video assignment we had to make a one minute video with no audible dialogue on iPads with iMovie. I've used iMovie on my laptop before, but didn't come close to doing a good video. It was mostly photos and some poorly recorded video stitched together. So far this class has gotten me to think about different angles and shots. I liked that we had to draw up a story board first, it made recording so much easier. I've seen several of my classmates videos and they're great. I wouldn't mind turning video making into a new hobby. I know my little cousins would love to be in more videos. 

Safe Kids Conference

Going to the Safe Kids Worldwide Conference in Washington D.C. was a blast. It was nice to be in a room full of other safety advocates, or safety police as some see us. One impressionable thing Gary Karton, the director of communications, mentioned was that we're not out there to police people, we care. We understand that kids are going to play and get hurt, but by taking a few precautions we can make sure injuries aren't life threatening. He mentioned that he doesn't make his son wear a snowboarding helmet because he's trying to be over protective, but rather he's giving his son the freedom to play hard and have fun. 

Here's a really cute video with an intense message that was released at the conference. 

I'm all about this because with my strong feelings towards education I know today's children are our future leaders that will create further change in this world.

As a new coordinator the conference was really helpful for me because now I have an idea of what I need to do with my coalition in order to help the community. The top issues I've been passionate about are car and road safety and heatstroke, but the conference introduced a lot of other great safety topics that I look forward to exploring with my coalition members. With my communications background I really enjoyed the workshops about branding, social media, and other media. 

Lunch with the Today Show's Jeff Rossen & Robert Powell

I recommend that you check out the Safe Kids Worldwide website. It's got a ton of great info. 

March Mantra

(Made with S Note)

I realize we're already halfway through March, but I wanted to throw this out there. I've taken on a lot this semester and in order to balance it all I'm going to have to be selfish and do what works for me. I won't go into anymore detail because this will end up being a bitching post and you don't need that. 

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Almost Started a New Job

I applied for a program coordinator position at a non-profit organization that is literally 4 blocks from my house. I submitted my application, then contacted the HR director via LinkedIn to introduce myself and make sure she received my application. I honestly think it was a great move to director her to see what I’m about.

I went to the interview on a Wednesday. I prepped the night before by brushing up on key facts about the organization and going over what I would say about myself. I could tell they were impressed. They even mentioned that they just posted a volunteer coordinator position that they think I would be qualified for, if I was interested. I received a call the next day asking my permission to contact my current supervisor. I really appreciated that they asked me first because she wasn’t aware that I was looking into this new position. I had a quick chat with her about expecting their call and to my surprise was extremely supportive.

I got a call on Friday that I didn't get the program coordinator position, but they wanted me to come in for interview for the volunteer coordinator position the following Tuesday. I went not feeling completely in love with the position, but after hearing more about it I was interested. I received a call Wednesday saying that they wanted to offer me a position, but it wasn't going to be what I was expecting. They wanted to offer me the first position because their original choice declined. I accepted and we set my start date for 2/25/13.

I was excited, but didn't want to tell my employer yet because I wanted to live off of the high and wasn't ready to deal with everyone knowing I was leaving, wrapping up loose ends and answering questions. My plan was to wait until Monday to give my two weeks notice.

I received a little feedback about being second choice, but I didn’t care, I was just happy to have an offer and the chance to move one step closer to my career goals. The organization has a fairly good reputation for being a great non-profit to work for with exceptional benefits and I could walk to work. I was excited!

Friday I received a call from the HR director saying that she hated to tell me, but the position was being placed on hold for a month while the executives reviewed whether they actually needed the position. I was disappointed, but still had hope that they would realize they needed it. I was also really grateful that I hadn't put in my 2 weeks yet and that they told me this lovely info before I was actually in the position.

I followed up this Monday, the day I was supposed to start, and got the final answer. They have decided to shift responsibilities around among the current staff.

I noticed something really odd after I was offered the position. I was feeling really sentimental and attached to my current place of employment. I've spent three years learning about the trucking industry  and realized it was probably something I would never dabble in again. The day after I was offered the position my department had a mini field trip to the new coffee shop across the street and it hit me that I was going to be leaving these people, and that I actually really do like them. I am in no way against change. I love it, so my sights were set on the new experiences. After all of this I’m okay where I’m at. Thankfully I don’t wake up dreading work and my job allows a lot of flexibility. 

I change my mind daily about whether I should keep looking or just take advantage of the comfort and flexibility my job offers as I finish my masters degree and focus on Arriba Latinas, a mentoring program I’m building with two other amazing ladies. 

No School For 3 Weeks

Last night was my first class free Tuesday since May. It was nice having dinner and catching a movie at Cinepoint 6 with my husband. It was date night at the theater so 2 tickets cost a total of $3. I can’t remember the last time I got to pick a movie, we watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was okay, I really liked Emma Watson’s performance.

A lot of the time I’m set on the ultimate goal and forget to celebrate the small victories, so I want to take a minute to celebrate finishing my 2^nd semester of graduate school and  getting all A’s. It is flying by and before we all know it my cohort and I will be graduating. Come on May 2014!

For the next three weeks off I look forward to:

Reading for fun

Going to the gym

Catching up on shows

Family time during the holidays

I'm Relaxing Tonight

I've wanted to write for the past two days, but I've been so busy with homework that I had to not let blogging become a distraction. Now that this week's assignment is out of the way and class is over I'm going to relax before I start the next huge assignment. 

I didn't have to make dinner because Jose baked(burned) a frozen pizza. I love him for making my long day easier. While he watches the game I'm going to watch VH1 Storytellers: Pink & Alicia Keys(for the 2nd time). If I don't fall asleep soon I may write up the posts I've had in mind. 

Relax. Good Night. 

Time Zone Troubles

In my research and methods class we are supposed to interview two people about their decision to attend graduate school. The two people I chose are not in my timezone. One is in Chicago at Northwestern University and the other is in Cambridge, MA at Harvard Divinity School. I'm really excited to hear about their experience in deciding to go to grad school. These are two people I met at church and have known for quite awhile. I love that we're all out doing our thing in grad school.

 I've had some poor communication with Janae she emailed me Wednesday to set up a time for "tomorrow." I read it Thursday and didn't pay attention to what date the email was sent so I thought "tomorrow" meant Friday. After getting that straight here we are on Friday and we said 5 PM EST. I thought that was 2 PM Utah time. Wrong again! I'm just glad I was early, and didn't leave her hanging AGAIN. She proposed we use Google Video Chat. I've never tried it, but after looking into it I think it seems really neat.

For the past few months I've been assuming Chicago is 2 hours ahead, but good thing I had this experience that lead me to double check. They're only 1 hour ahead.  We're going to use Facebook video calling, which I haven't tried either. I hope the interview with Luis goes smooth. 

Connections

My brother started working at TAB this week. He looks so handsome in his business casual attire. I hope this new position opens great opportunities for him. We were on break talking about all the great people we work with and I was going on about how I often blur the lines of hierarchy. I haven’t forgotten that I came from working the graveyard shift in customer service and never see them as below me. I also don’t lack the confidence to introduce myself to those who are above me.

I can think of three reasons why I am friendly and say hi to everyone. The first being I’ve had more than one person throughout my life tell me I come off as bitchy and that’s not the impression I want to make. If I’ve come off that way it’s probably because I was masking insecurities that came with being in a new place, with new people. Second, I credit my master’s program for giving me the confidence to be who am I and not be afraid to have a voice. My final influence comes from my previous co-worker, Jake. The man can talk. He taught me how important it is to connect with people and form relationships. Recently I’ve found this new joy in getting to know people. Everyone has unique characteristics and stories that I don’t want to miss out on.

Homework

Yesterday I was going to post this picture on Instagram and possibly Facebook. 

I've never done so much homework in my life.
 Seriously all day Sunday and after work until midnight.
I'm tired and we need toilet paper. 

Fortunately my phone was dying so I had time to think before posting. I thought about how hard it would be to sit down for 5 hours and write if I had kids and how new parents are probably more exhausted. I'm lucky to have the opportunity to be in this master's program. It's my first semester and it's been fun. I like my cohort and look forward to getting to know everyone more. I've finished two of the three classes this semester. One big professional writing project left and I'll be done with my very first semester.