It feels like we got to our breaking point and got serious about respecting each other because we love each other and want to make it work. We've been doing good for the past few weeks, more effort and more happiness. We agreed that it wouldn't hurt to get additional help. I believe it's really important to address mental health issues and quit seeing it as taboo, so we scheduled a counseling session through my work's employee assistance program. I was really nervous, but appreciative of my husband's willingness to go.
Our session with Rich went well. He brought up that life is a process and that many times when couples keep bumping into a brick wall they don't realize that together they can get around it, instead, out of frustration they think it's easier to split. We're at a brick wall and ready to get onto the next step in our process together.
He acknowledged that we're young and should be enjoying our free time before children. That's a hot topic because my husband wants to start a family. We've had serious talks about it, and in May I decided I would go along with whatever happened, but I wasn't whole heartily ready. I've made many excuses like after I get my bachelors degree, after I find a job, after I get my masters degree. I love kids and have spent a lot of time learning about pregnancy, natural birth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, all of that, but I'm scared to make that leap and get pregnant. The counselor wanted to know why and in my rant of trying to justify my reasons of being scared of changing and taking on the responsibility it came out clearly that I don't think I'll be a good enough parent.
Rich suggested that I really focus on working on my insecurities, rewriting the scripts in my head. I need to stop assuming the worst by reframing my thoughts. Is there an answer of why people end up this way? Was I taught to think bad about myself? He made a good point, I would never treat anyone they way I treat myself because it would be considered abuse. Now it's up to me to be conscious and work on overcoming my weaknesses. We have a 2nd session scheduled in December. I like how he straight up said it's not my husband's job to make me feel less insecure, he has his part to play in supporting me, but it needs to be something I fix. I don't exactly know how to stop being insecure or negative other than paying attention to my self-talk and changing it. I'm open to suggestions and additional readings.