Guilt and Other Emotions

I think I was in a positive, adrenaline fueled fog the first few days after Niko was born. I was driven and strong, doing what had to be done. That eventually wore off when the pain after childbirth set in, having to take care of a 2 year old, and going home without my baby. 

The first night I had to pump I cried every session.

I cried seeing my baby uncomfortable and not being able to nurture him. 

I cry...often...because Che is so dang challenging with me. I know Jose doesn't like that I keep wanting to get rid of him to my mom's but I need a break. He wears me the fuck out. I get frustrated and don't want to take it out on either Che or Jose because they're going through this rough time too. I was really worried how Che would react when we had a new baby in the house and that's been postponed, but I know he feels the stress.  He's so clingy and wants to nurse often.  He's been happy going to my mom's but when he gets home he is stuck to me like glue and won't stop saying he misses me. I love him, he's so sweet and maturing. It's such a mixture of emotions. He cries and tantrums because I can't carry him around. It frustrates me when we take him to the hospital because he wants me to hold him and pay attention to him, but I want to pay attention to the new baby and my body hurts, I can't constantly be carrying a 25 lb 2 year old. I want to take Jose's feelings into consideration that he wants Che with us, but in order for me to be a good mother I need to take care of myself, if that means sending Che away for a few hours a day, I have to do it. I'm overwhelmed. Che keeps peeing the bed. It's my fault because I haven't been getting his night diaper on in time. His nursing is out of control. I need to pump milk for the baby but he hates the pump and throws things at it. It's not that easy to cut him off, he's stressed and it's been helpful to comfort him, even if it hurts me. It's mostly at night when I get nursing aversion and he won't fall asleep. 

I've been trying to stay away from stray thoughts that want to take me to a place where I blame myself. Would it have been different if I birthed in a hospital? Did my midwives miss something while I was in labor? Did I get too cocky and need some humbling? Is my body no good at birth? Maybe Jose's thought it, but he's nice, he hasn't once blamed me. My dad on the other hand, I know out of worry, was very vocal about thinking it was human error from my witch doctors. My stupid BPD symptom of needing to obtain perfection makes me worry about what people think of me. I was quiet about it on social media for days. Only posting on Instagram several days later, when I was ready.

Last night at the hospital was good, I've had questions as to why and I finally was surrounded by nurturing women that let me cry and told me to knock it off, blaming myself was not okay. The nurse practitioner, nurse and respiratory therapist on last night told me this could have happened to anyone in or out of the hospital, it just happens.  The blood could have been from my placenta starting to detach from the uterus, the meconium could have been from the baby being stressed and pooping in utero. 

I cry because I miss my baby. 

I am astonished by all of the good people who make up our support system. My family supports me the best they can. Watching Che is more helpful than they'll ever know. My mom was dealing with my dad's surgery and being sick. That made me feel guilty, but I needed to send him away in order to rest and heal. 

Jose is getting support from his friends, they're good guys for not being too macho to show their love and concern. I appreciate them for that. 

So many people praying for my little guy.

Right now most of my emotion is stemming from being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate. I don't even think the hard part has begun yet and I feel like I can't keep up with Che, life, eating, and my health. I am letting it out through crying and writing. Hopefully not taking it out on those around me. 

House Hunting

This past winter we loosely talked about buying a different home in the summer. One day I was feeling really overwhelmed and powerless having my privacy and lifestyle criticized yet again by family. It made me want to run away. While driving to work, listening to X96 Radio From Hell there was an ad about Newdwello having grant specialists who can help you find money for a down payment. I looked into it and was contacted by a man named Sterling. 

Although we don't qualify for any grants Sterling has been a great help. We went from not really looking for a home to placing an offer on an amazing home with a breathtaking view. Our offer was accepted, we received financing, paid the down payment, and signed the papers only to find out the owner's deceased wife's children placed a lien on the property. We ultimately declined to continue with that home. It is a beautiful home in the perfect location, but logically we were biting off what we could chew, but could possibly choke on. The yard may have been too much work for us and I didn't want to cut back on eating out and living comfortably. If it was supposed to work out then it would have. We believe in recognizing signs that guide us. It's all about making smart choices and this home would not have been the smartest choice for us.

We did get a family picture after going to closing and signing.

We've continued looking for houses but we have some specifics that make it challenging. It's a sellers market, inventory is scarce. There aren't enough houses on the market for as many buyers that are out there.

What I love most about our current home is the location. We're in Ogden, but tucked away on the west side. It's close to the river and trails, the freeway, lots of local eats and entertainment and I have an easy drive to drop the baby off at my mom's. 

What we don't love about our place is that we don't have a dish washer and only one bathroom. We'd really like an attached 2 car garage. We don't want to do the old fixer-upper house again. It's a lot of work and money and we're tired. 

The dilemma is I want have to be in Ogden. My favorite activities and groups are in Ogden, like Yogis of Ogden and the O-Town Babywearers. I need the beautiful mountains and quick access to trails. I want to raise my child(ren) in Ogden so they can develop a strong sense of community involvement. Ogden is more diverse than the surrounding areas. It's not California diverse, but my children will be exposed to other cultures and religions as opposed to if we moved to a Davis County suburb(I REFUSE). 

The type of house we want and the lifestyle we want conflict. Ogden is made up of old homes. Many of them have been renovated inside so they're gorgeous, but the whole garage thing, they're all detached and rarely fit two cars. We're looking for 4 or 5 bedrooms because we want a whole tribe of children. We're okay settling for 3 bedrooms and possibly moving later. Here's what I'm thinking, if I can convince my husband that a detached garage is something we can work with, could we settle for a lovely Ogden home tucked on the side of the mountain with trees and a view? The downside is we'd have to carry shit a little further and maybe run from house to car in the rain. I think we'll live. 

Our agent tells me to be patient. We'll find a home that aligns with us. 

Let the Holiday Drama Begin & End Quickly

I've been going to this postpartum support group, which I don't think is the right fit for me. I like hanging out with the ladies, but my time would be better spent at home with my family. I don't feel like I'm suffering from anything postpartum. I went because I thought maybe I would need to cope with my c-section and returning back to work, but I am doing fine with both of those things.

At last night's meeting we went over ways to cope during the holidays. Good thing because the drama has already begun. Seriously, sometimes I wonder how everyone feels so comfortable talking to my mom and how she's so nice to everyone, but when it comes to her kids she is a very manipulative communicator and doesn't respect when you ask her to keep things private. 

In November I decided that I wouldn't be going to my parents' house for Christmas because Jose isn't allowed to come. I wrote myself a note in my phone with my reasoning because I knew eventually I'd have to tell my mom and the guilt would kill me. I was hoping that somehow I'd be able to last minute tell her, "sorry, can't make it," but of course she plans things in advance and I didn't want to leave her hanging if she asked me to bring something. 

This morning she sent out a group message on Facebook asking who would like to participate in a gift exchange on Christmas morning. I wrote her in a separate message saying, "count me out." I have a new baby and a new little family that I want to nourish and grow. I let her know that we wouldn't be coming on Christmas morning because I want to start my own traditions with my family and splitting us up is not a tradition I want for my son. I can just imagine how fucked up it would be to take my son and leave my husband alone on Christmas. I've chosen my family over him too many times and I won't do it anymore. It's not nice, it's not fair. 

I had a moment of hope that she'd understand, but of course not. She wrote me back several nasty messages, like always, saying she's done the best she can and it's not ever good enough and that she'll be out of my life forever and wants nothing to do with us. She lays on the guilt really heavy. Then she sent a group message out with capital letters saying that all Christmas plans are canceled. 

I didn't even reply back because I'm not having a keyboard war with her. I stand firm with my decision. I was thinking today how uncomfortable Christmas was last year and I don't need to feel that again. People don't realize that you're not the same person you were yesterday or one or two years ago. I'm a different, better person and this is my life. I don't want to spend it doing things out of obligation or guilt. 

Telling

We found out two days before Christmas and Jose was very excited to tell his family.  I on the other hand was more reserved. I didn't mind telling his parents, but I didn't really want to announce it to 50 people at Christmas. My fear was that what if it doesn't work out, I was only 4 weeks, way too early to shout it out. I read up on different opinions and there is a different view that if you do miscarry you have that many more people in your support system if you share the news. I imagined us telling everyone at his parents' for Christmas, recording it and it going well, but I backed out last minute. I felt bad because I could see how happy and excited he was to share the news, but I just wasn't ready. 

We didn't wait much longer and ended up telling both of our parents on New Years. I wanted to keep it small, but there were several aunts, uncles, cousins and a brother from church that also heard our news. Oh well I can't have it all. 

I seriously hate unnecessary attention and answering people's questions. I know that people are curious because they love us and care, but I didn't deal exceptionally well with sharing the news. At Jose's aunt's I was kind of detached and ended up being bratty to Jose because I was overstimulated and overwhelmed. 

I was nervous to tell my parents, but they genuinely seemed happy and excited which made me feel good. My mom was sick so I know our timing wasn't great, but I wanted them to know soon since we had already told Jose's family. 

Since then, telling people has been stressful for me. My mom wanted to know when she could shout it to the world and I told her she could tell her close friends, but that I was not ok with her blasting it on Facebook to fake friends until after we had a doctor's appointment. She respected my wishes. Again, I understand people are just happy and want to share the news. Maybe I'm too uptight. I just like control. 

After our 8 week midwife appointment my mom and father-in-law put it on FB. I braced myself for it and felt such anxiety checking peoples' comments. Everything was so nice and loving that it did make me feel more at ease. 

Even to this day at 18 weeks I'm still not cool telling people. At work people are starting to notice and chismear, but I don't want to come out and talk about it. I can't hide it for much longer, but don't expect me to shout it down the halls. If they want to know, the awkwardness can be on them and they can gamble the ask whether I'm pregnant or fat. 

Am I crazy? It just feels so personal to me and I don't know how to share the news. All responses I've received from people have been so loving. I think I'm just scared of feeling my feelings. 

In both families we gave something to our mothers. This is what my mom got. 

For Jose's mom we wrapped up a baby outfit she gave us at my graduation party and returned it to her with coming in August 2015. 

Thanksgiving '14

I'll admit I was nervous for this Thanksgiving. I was making up in my head that it would be awkward and people would be judging me. It was nothing like that, it was actually really good. 

During my yoga practice on Wednesday the instructor made it really fun by giving silly names to the poses like the crescent roll, turkey pose and stirring the mashed potatoes. During savasana she had us send energy to someone we cared about, but wouldn't be able to be at our Thanksgiving table, perhaps due to distance physically or because of family dysfunction. I could relate. She also had us send energy to a loved one who was no longer with us. I thought of my Grandpo Perea and missed him dearly. To me it seems like a weird coincidence, but during dinner everyone was laughing at memories of Chon Perea. I love that we were able to share about the man who made our family possible. 

We didn't do our traditional going around the table and saying what we're thankful for because some people ran off and didn't want to participate. It's not my favorite thing, you're vulnerable, but I do see it's value. My mom sent out a message a few days later saying what she was thankful for. I went next, "I'm thankful that you all love me. It's such a good feeling to know that I have people that really care about me. Second, I'm thankful for my yoga practice. It's easy to spend too much time being angry about the past and anxious about the future. I hope to continue learning to breathe & enjoy each present moment because that's the only moment that really matters, especially when it's spent with my family." I wish everyone else would've participated, but that's okay.

It blows mind to think of where I'm at this year compared to last year, or even compared to last week. It's hard, but good. I have to keep growing and sending out love and accepting love.

Do you ever...?

Do you ever have a schizophrenic pay you a visit?

Do you ever get a 4 AM phone call that your aunt's apartment is on fire?

Do you ever go to your grandpo's to do a puzzle, but he only wants to play on his iPad?

Do you ever go take a bath in your mom's amazing bathtub?

Do you ever have vulnerable conversation at 5 AM?

Do you ever go visit your family because you feel so down on yourself that you just need their love?

Do you ever go watch old home videos of yourself to remind you that you've been a good person.

Do you ever go to Boondocks twice in one week?

Do you ever remember what it's like to be 14 and choose your friends over your family?

Do you ever call in sick to nurse your husband back to health? 

MLK Weekend in Vegas

Martin Luther King Jr. Day meant a three day weekend and we were ready to get away. I wanted somewhere warm and Jose just needed to get out of the house, since he's been cooped up all winter. 

We decided on Las Vegas.  As much as I dislike Vegas I was excited about being warm and getting away. I also wanted to check out the Burlesque Hall of Fame after hearing about it from Melody Sweets from Absinthe. 

The drive was nice, I love seeing the red rock in Southern Utah. We got an early start to Vegas, arriving around 8:00 AM. We couldn't check into our room until noon so we played slots and had a bloody mary or two. I was on an empty stomach and feeling good. We wander to eat some really good sopes at Tacos El Gordo, then back to the bar. We did our usual drinking and meeting new people at the bar. Time flew by and before we knew it we'd been imbibing for 12 hours. 

We went to the China town area for sushi and I got an amazing massage. We went to Mystére, which was pretty cool, but expensive since we didn't make it to the buy one get one half off ticket sales place. 

The main reason I hate Vegas is because the drunkenness always turns into drama. I got out of hand and we're still slowly recovering a week later. We got a chance to do some fun things and I got to feel the sun, but Vegas and I  just don't mix. 

Thanksgiving 2013

I scheduled a few days off for Thanksgiving because we were planning on taking a trip to California. It didn't pan out so we stayed here. I'm glad we were around because it was nice to be able to visit both of my families and enjoy some amazing food and company. 

At my mom's house of course we had to go around and tell what we were thankful for. It's not my favorite, but this year I felt prepared to give gratitude for my marriage, husband, and job. I love the support system I have and I'm grateful for everyone who was at the table. Individually we've all been through some tough things this year, from divorce to death. It's comforting knowing that you're not alone and there are people that love you. Not only are we there to support each other in the down times, but we enjoy celebrating together too. There is so much to be grateful for but I would choose love as my number one. 

Perea Vigil Family

Angulo Negrete Family

Fight With Tools Pt. 3

It feels like we got to our breaking point and got serious about respecting each other because we love each other and want to make it work. We've been doing good for the past few weeks, more effort and more happiness. We agreed that it wouldn't hurt to get additional help. I believe it's really important to address mental health issues and quit seeing it as taboo, so we scheduled a counseling session through my work's employee assistance program. I was really nervous, but appreciative of my husband's willingness to go. 

Our session with Rich went well. He brought up that life is a process and that many times when couples keep bumping into a brick wall they don't realize that together they can get around it, instead, out of frustration they think it's easier to split. We're at a brick wall and ready to get onto the next step in our process together. 

He acknowledged that we're young and should be enjoying our free time before children. That's a hot topic because my husband wants to start a family. We've had serious talks about it, and in May I decided I would go along with whatever happened, but I wasn't whole heartily ready. I've made many excuses like after I get my bachelors degree, after I find a job, after I get my masters degree. I love kids and have spent a lot of time learning about pregnancy, natural birth, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, all of that, but I'm scared to make that leap and get pregnant. The counselor wanted to know why and in my rant of trying to justify my reasons of being scared of changing and taking on the responsibility it came out clearly that I don't think I'll be a good enough parent. 

Rich suggested that I really focus on working on my insecurities, rewriting the scripts in my head. I need to stop assuming the worst by reframing my thoughts. Is there an answer of why people end up this way? Was I taught to think bad about myself? He made a good point, I would never treat anyone they way I treat myself because it would be considered abuse. Now it's up to me to be conscious and work on overcoming my weaknesses. We have a 2nd session scheduled in December. I like how he straight up said it's not my husband's job to make me feel less insecure, he has his part to play in supporting me, but it needs to be something I fix. I don't exactly know how to stop being insecure or negative other than paying attention to my self-talk and changing it. I'm open to suggestions and additional readings. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 2

The last night of the 8-week Conflict Resolution and Negotiation classed ended with us all going around talking about our experience and what direction we wanted to take with what we learned. I was surprised and happy for many of my classmates' progress. It was helpful to hear everyone's journey and I love that in the past two years we've all  grown comfortable enough with each other to be vulnerable. One of the most important things I'm learning is that I'm not alone, even if my inner critic makes me feel like I am. 

By the end of the class I felt like my husband and I did a great job discussing our needs, but we were stuck in limbo of how to step up and meet them, because they seemed to conflict with each other. I wanted more quality time, to get off the couch and away from the screen. He wanted to be more social and go out with the guys. I tried to see him going out with friends as a better option than being a coach potato. I was really hung up on how he wasn't meeting my needs fast enough that I had to rein myself in and stop assuming he wasn't going to meet them. 

I'm very pessimistic and often times assume the worst. I have these negative scripts about myself running through my head that need to be stopped. Every time my husband goes out with his friends I assume the worst. Again, I had to stop and think about what I was really feeling. I have irrational thoughts that my husband would rather go out with other people because I'm not fun enough. 

I started looking into Brene Brown's work about how many of us don't think we're worthy of love. We think we'll be worthy when we're skinny enough, complete our degrees, or get a promotion. That's me, I never feel good enough. I am always aiming for better, I demand a lot from myself. There's nothing wrong with having dreams, but I think I'm so worried about checking things off my list that I don't stop and enjoy where I'm at. 

I've been really anxious about social situations lately. We run into conflict when I want to go out, just the two of us, and he wants to invite friends. Again my scripts started running that I'm not fun enough, he has to invite other people. I'm not afraid to push myself out of my comfort zone so one night I decided I'd go with it. A lot of friends met us at a bar to watch a UFC fight. I decide not to drink because I needed a clear head. I made it through the evening with a bunch of drunks. I got annoyed several times, but my intentions were to give my husband the night he wanted, free from judgment. I did it, I didn't like it. Getting drunk and acting a fool is not my idea of fun. I feel like I did what I could to meet his need to be social, while kind of meeting my need to spend time with him. It wasn't ideal, but it was another step in the process. 

I've started really hating these new friends my husband has, who are out at bars attracting girls' attention and pulling him away from me. It started getting so bad in those two months that we spent several weekends apart and had some serious talks about our marriage. It seemed that we both wanted different things and maybe we weren't going to find those things together. Which was heartbreaking. 

Fight With Tools Pt. 1

These last two months have been mental torture for me. I can't think of any other time in my life where I've felt so sad, so alone or so lost. I've had to pull out tools to stabilize my life. Things like daily journaling, reading, exercise, acupuncture, music, affirmations, counseling, support from friends, and even turning to a higher power.

I've pinpointed that the process started in October during my Conflict Resolution and Negotiation Class. My cohort went in there expecting to learn about dealing with conflict in the work place. BAM! Little did we know we would be working from the ground up and learning how we personally deal with conflict. Learning about ourselves and how to handle conflict with those we care about most was the best place to start. 

Despite its negative connotation, conflict doesn't equate to bad. Conflict means that you care enough to confront what is going on. We started out by digging into the past and writing about our earliest memories of conflict. I identified that conflict for me is like a grenade, I build it up, then pull the pin, resulting in a feeling that I need to run before my surroundings blow up. We also had to interview several people about how it is to communicate with us. I asked my mom, husband, and office mate. To summarize, they said I'm very direct, to the point, raise my voice when I'm passionately speaking, and often times dismiss others' views if they don't match up with my own. I don't disagree. 

The first night of class we were introduced to the idea that many of us have a hard time identifying and sharing what is really bothering us; being vulnerable. We use superficial things in an argument to mask our feelings. This video is an example of what we were discussing. My professor's example was much better, and we'll never think of a pie in the same way again. Our homework was to think about what was really bothering us. I had a great example come up. I had been sick for days and just wanted my husband to comfort me and take care of me. I got upset and started going off about how he is always playing video games and doesn't' help me. I had to go into the other room, force myself to think about what was really bothering me, then go back and talk to him. I didn't want to continue on with him thinking I was really mad about the video games, when my real needs were that I needed to feel  like I was a priority and loved. 

This was new for us and didn't go as smoothly as I imagined. I didn't seem like we made any progress, but little did I know it was all part of a greater process.  I had no idea why I was so tired and drained after talking, but I soon discovered it's called a vulnerability hangover.  Something interesting my professor pointed out; although I'm direct in stating my needs, I often run before giving anyone the chance to meet those needs. I thought it was great observation and I completely agree that I doubt people pretty early on of being capable of meeting my needs. I like to do things myself and I set really high standards. 

That was the first notable step in this process, I'll be writing several more posts about what unfolded. Like I said, I never expected it to take so long and go full blown, but I feel good about what is happening and if this first step never took place I wouldn't be on my way to a better life. 

My professor has a blog called Canffirmations that has some really great posts if you're interested in reading. 

Acupuncture

Lately I've been feeling like something is seriously wrong inside my head. I question if I've made the right decisions in life and if I should keep following this same path or make a major plot shift. I've been pretty stressed and full of anxiety. I contemplated medication, because I can't handle these irrational thoughts and elevated heart rate. My body is crying out that it's stressed through a very tense shoulder, a cold sore and a period that has lasted almost 2 weeks. Some hours I'm calm, some I'm numb, and others I'm on fire, lashing out. I don't want to be around people, social situations make me really anxious right now. 

I've always wanted to try acupuncture, but never needed fixing, until now. There's an acupuncturist right across from my work. I wandered over there to set up an appointment. I met the doctor and really liked her. She was a former health educator so we connected on that level. Chinese medicine is totally different than western medical beliefs so it takes openness to try a new approach to healing the whole body. I had my assessment and I'm being treated for allergies, shoulder tension and my emotional distress. She let me vent and I let her do her thing. I'm not sure if it was having someone to talk to, the acupuncture itself or just all in my head, but I left her office feeling so relaxed and I couldn't stop smiling. 

She wants to see me for a few more sessions. My insurance doesn't cover it, so it'll be an out of pocket expense, but it's something I want to try. Has anyone tried acupuncture? Share your experience with me. 

Janeece's 3rd Birthday

Crazy to believe my youngest niece is already three. She is such a fun, loving, little girl. I don't see her very often, but when I do she runs right up to me, arms open wide for a big hug. 

I had a few hours off on Thursday so I was able to stop by and visit her. She was so happy with her Princess Ariel stuff. She's currently obsessed with Ariel, it's pretty much all she talks, even prays, about. 

Here's one more video of her adorable 3 year old attitude. 

Mary Kay Girl's Night

My friend and sister-in-law Estela set a date for her wedding, so to celebrate we had Hollie Holley pamper us with Mary Kay. I loved the wedding talk about photo booths, dresses, and honeymoon destinations. She's going to be the most beautiful bride. Weddings get me so excited because making that commitment and having someone vow to spend their life with you is so precious. Let the 10 month countdown begin. 

Me, Stela, Zuly, & Liz

A Come Together Fourth

We had no plans for the fourth. I had the day off and Jose worked. I slept in and it was glorious. I set out to find some Independence Day sales, but had little luck. Throughout the day I started feeling really lonely as I realized that a lot of what I do, I do by myself. I love alone time, but for some reason on a holiday I expected to be surrounded by friends and family. My dad joked that if they had a BBQ I wasn't invited because I was out of the circle for pissing my mom off. That's fine I guess, I would've shown up anyway, but they didn't have any shindig that I'm aware of. 

Jose got off work at a decent hour, 2:00 PM, rather than the usual 9:00 PM, so he went to a co-worker's BBQ, while I finished up my shopping. I just want to note that I am proud of him for thinking ahead and getting ride because he knew he'd be drinking. His friend's family is from Honduras so they had some authentic food that he said was amazing. 

We met up and headed to my cousin Stephanie's house to watch fireworks. She lives way high up on the mountain side so you can see all of the fireworks in the valley, plus they had some of their own. I remember when we were little Steph's family would come to my house and we would celebrate the 4th together, so it was nice to bring our new families together and relive and old tradition. 

It's such a small world(Apostolic world), as we sat around the table talking with Stephanie's husband and his parents. Marcelo told my husband that he remembers him from when they were little and used to go to the same church in California. Jose's family moved here first, then two years later Marcelo's family moved to Utah only to show up at church seeing some familiar faces that they used to congregate with. 

Steph and Marcelo have the cutest two month old, James. I just want to hug him forever. With no plans I'd say we had a pretty nice, relaxing fourth. 

This last picture is of my niece and nephew wearing the shirts we got them in Florida.