I think I was in a positive, adrenaline fueled fog the first few days after Niko was born. I was driven and strong, doing what had to be done. That eventually wore off when the pain after childbirth set in, having to take care of a 2 year old, and going home without my baby.
The first night I had to pump I cried every session.
I cried seeing my baby uncomfortable and not being able to nurture him.
I cry...often...because Che is so dang challenging with me. I know Jose doesn't like that I keep wanting to get rid of him to my mom's but I need a break. He wears me the fuck out. I get frustrated and don't want to take it out on either Che or Jose because they're going through this rough time too. I was really worried how Che would react when we had a new baby in the house and that's been postponed, but I know he feels the stress. He's so clingy and wants to nurse often. He's been happy going to my mom's but when he gets home he is stuck to me like glue and won't stop saying he misses me. I love him, he's so sweet and maturing. It's such a mixture of emotions. He cries and tantrums because I can't carry him around. It frustrates me when we take him to the hospital because he wants me to hold him and pay attention to him, but I want to pay attention to the new baby and my body hurts, I can't constantly be carrying a 25 lb 2 year old. I want to take Jose's feelings into consideration that he wants Che with us, but in order for me to be a good mother I need to take care of myself, if that means sending Che away for a few hours a day, I have to do it. I'm overwhelmed. Che keeps peeing the bed. It's my fault because I haven't been getting his night diaper on in time. His nursing is out of control. I need to pump milk for the baby but he hates the pump and throws things at it. It's not that easy to cut him off, he's stressed and it's been helpful to comfort him, even if it hurts me. It's mostly at night when I get nursing aversion and he won't fall asleep.
I've been trying to stay away from stray thoughts that want to take me to a place where I blame myself. Would it have been different if I birthed in a hospital? Did my midwives miss something while I was in labor? Did I get too cocky and need some humbling? Is my body no good at birth? Maybe Jose's thought it, but he's nice, he hasn't once blamed me. My dad on the other hand, I know out of worry, was very vocal about thinking it was human error from my witch doctors. My stupid BPD symptom of needing to obtain perfection makes me worry about what people think of me. I was quiet about it on social media for days. Only posting on Instagram several days later, when I was ready.
Last night at the hospital was good, I've had questions as to why and I finally was surrounded by nurturing women that let me cry and told me to knock it off, blaming myself was not okay. The nurse practitioner, nurse and respiratory therapist on last night told me this could have happened to anyone in or out of the hospital, it just happens. The blood could have been from my placenta starting to detach from the uterus, the meconium could have been from the baby being stressed and pooping in utero.
I cry because I miss my baby.
I am astonished by all of the good people who make up our support system. My family supports me the best they can. Watching Che is more helpful than they'll ever know. My mom was dealing with my dad's surgery and being sick. That made me feel guilty, but I needed to send him away in order to rest and heal.
Jose is getting support from his friends, they're good guys for not being too macho to show their love and concern. I appreciate them for that.
So many people praying for my little guy.
Right now most of my emotion is stemming from being overwhelmed and feeling inadequate. I don't even think the hard part has begun yet and I feel like I can't keep up with Che, life, eating, and my health. I am letting it out through crying and writing. Hopefully not taking it out on those around me.
No comments:
Post a Comment